5 years ago.. I was lying in a hospital bed.. my home for 2 months.. having been diagnosed with Anorexia Bulimia. I was only 46kgs.. skeletal in my tall frame.. 5 years ago.. I started healing.
Hurt as a small child.. teased as a teenager.. betrayed as an adult.. I was heading down the slippery slopes of depression.. see I started working for Project Goth Pty Ltd (later known as Mig33 Inc) in 2005.. I moved to Perth where I knew no one and I for one, found this as a great opportunity to transform myself. I became the one that needed everyone to like me, the pleaser.. things got hectic at work, being a start-up company.. and I started skipping meals.. first it was just breakfast.. then lunch.. then cutting down on my dinner when I saw the weight falling off.. in one year.. I lost close to 20kgs and I love the transformation of seeing a skinny me.
In July 2006, I moved to Sydney.. where I picked up the gym.. BodyPump became a release for my energy and I felt great after each workout.. best of all.. now that I was living on my own in Sydney, I could eat whatever I wanted.. with no prejudice. I still skipped breakfast and lunch.. but was gorging on fast food for dinner.. Bodypump kept my weight steady and my body fit... I loved seeing the muscles build up.. the body being fitter and toner.
In September 2007, I moved to San Francisco.. where the gym was not readily available.. so I stopped all gym routines.. my eating habits became more erratic as I would skip breakfast and lunch.. and sometimes even dinner.. by 2008, my work life became unbearable and I couldn't tolerate my manager. Worst still.. I confided in my ex-boss the things that happened to me as a child.. once my secret was out.. I didn't know where to turn to.. suddenly it became real.. and I had to deal with it.. on my own.. as my ex-boss didn't do anything to help.. I started throwing up my dinner every night to deal with the pain. by September 2008.. I was going down a spiral of depression.. drinking myself drunk almost every other night to cope with losing control over work situation.. which was my life. I controlled my food intake even more and purging all my food.. my weight quickly went down.
On Christmas Eve 2008.. I took the first step in seeing a psychiatrist (recommended by my GP).. I was sent to rehab to get over my drinking binges.. and for the first time.. being confined to four walls never felt so safe.. 3 days there and I was crying bucket loads when I had to leave that safety wall. As we talked about my childhood.. the worst I felt and the more weight I lost. I was getting blood tests weekly to make sure I wasn't depleting myself of minerals and vitamins.
On 30th March 2009.. my weight plummeted below 105 pounds and I was admitted into Alta Bates Hospital.. being placed in ED treatment. My home for the next 2 months.. I decided to come clean about my past to my doctor.. Dr Ansai.. and I worked closely with him and all the counselors to get through my past. I credit them for saving my life.. for helping me through my darkest moments. Because of them, I started to heal.
It's now 2013.. and it's been up and down... I've mostly conquered ED, although weight is still a big issue for me... I'm learning to deal with my past and to let my walls down..
5 more years from now, I hope to be free of ED and free from my past. I hope to be off medication for depression and I hope to be able to accept my body for what it is. Don't worry folks.. I'm working hard on it.. :)
5 years from now.. I want to be HAPPY...
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