Inside my Mind...

Well, it's the end of Week 1 in my September Goal.. on the way to losing 5kgs... how have I done?

Okay, so I have not been that diligent in exercising every single day, though I managed to do it from Friday to Monday.  I managed to lose 1kg (putting 0.4kgs back on) so in total, I have lost 0.6kgs in one week.. not a bad progress if you ask me :)  I've been watching my diet, not over eating and not eating those oily food.  Although I have rewarded myself with the odd KFC piece.. I don't over indulge much in 'treats'.

This progress is moving far too slow for me.. I have to be more diligent in my gym work for the next week.  I am very proud to announce however, that I have not touched alcohol for 6 days.  I can see my 'beer belly' diminishing!  I find that the less I drink, the less I want to go out.. and the less I start to crave a drink.. oh my gosh.. I'm starting to have no life!

Living with an eating disorder

You never fully recover from an eating disorder.  You merely go into remission.. if you're clean for 7 years, yes you might have beaten it, but it's still within you.

I have been in remission for awhile now.. but everyday I fight the urge to not eat, the urge to purge.. it's in my every thought, and I fight a battle with food daily.  I feel disgusted if too much goes through my mouth, anxious if too little goes through my mouth and I don't know what's 'just right'.

So is my losing 5kgs a sign of my eating disorder rearing it's ugly head again?  I don't know.  My psychiatrist (random one I saw at SGH) said this morning that 5kgs was drastic.. is it?  I was dropping about 2kgs a week when I was anorexic.. how is 5kgs a month drastic?

I play the numbers game.. weighing myself every day, twice a day sometimes thrice.  I know muscles weigh more than fat, I know the scale is just a number.. but NUMBERS MATTER.  I don't care about fat distribution, I don't care if 70kgs on my tall frame is more normal than on a short person.. it's 70 KGS!!! (Oh btw.. no I'm not 70kgs.. I'm not revealing my weight here!)  So don't tell me that I'm at healthy weight because I AM NOT.. if you want to count BMI, yes.. I'm near being overweight, so there you go.  So to me, losing 5kgs is essential because I want the numbers to go down!

There's not a day that goes by that I didn't wish that I was back at 46kgs with a BMI of 15.  I was happy then.  But I'm living with it, learning to accept that I wasn't born to be skinny.  I just want to be healthy.

But I have a goal now.. to fit into my ball gown.. I hardly think that's my eating disorder speaking..

Don't worry, I think I have a good hold on it now, and I'm much strong now than I was when my eating disorder first came about, back in 2005. I'm in a better place now :)