**Trigger Warning**

I'm going to let my guard down for a moment here, and share my deepest darkest thoughts.. 

I've been having an eating disorder for years now.. combined with alcoholism.. it's not a pretty picture.. I've been to rehab 3 times and I've made many friends who suffer from eating disorders that I find at some point, really triggering for me that I fall into a deep emotional force field..

My first rehab was for alcoholism, where I spent 3 nights in a 'safe house'.. and honestly, it was the first time I felt 'safe' in a long time.  I was surrounded by four walls, no handphone or computers.. just me being myself, surrounded by doctors and nurses that were so helpful.  It was no wonder when I was discharged, I cried and cried because the thought of going back into the 'real world' was simply overwhelming.  My psychiatrist in the 'safe house' sat with me for about an hour before I was ready to leave the comfort of the four walls.. it was weird.. leaving and catching a cab and going back to my old life.. needless to say.. I found comfort going back to Alcohol straightaway.

My second rehab stint was longer.. this time for Anorexia (purging kind).. My psychiatrist and GP threatened to have me incarcerated if my weight dropped below 105 pounds, and guess what happened just one week later? I stayed 2 months inpatient and had 1 month outpatient program after that, before moving back to Kuching.  My time in hospital was probably another instance where I felt safe.. I needn't worry about work, life, anything.. all I had to focus on was eating and getting better.. of course.. then I worried about how much weight I had gained (I was only discharged after putting on 20 pounds!) and would spent nights starring at my reflection in the window.. starring at my pregnant belly.  Since I had my family there with me, I wasn't so upset about finally being discharged.. I had quit my job as well.. which took a huge burden off my shoulders.  But I felt disgusted at my new body.. I was HUGE.. I wanted to be skinny again!

My third rehab was in Singapore.. this time for Bulimia.. yes.. I've gone from anorexia to bulimia.. ironic isn't it?  I stayed 3 weeks in the hospital, where I would cry every night when my mum visited.. silenced by what I could not say or express out loud.  But again.. I felt SAFE in there.

What's this feeling of being 'safe'?  It makes me wonder if I should just be locked up in a 'crazy room', with no windows and four padded walls.

It's been 2 years since I was last in rehab, and I'm definitely on the road to recovery.  But I get triggered all the time.. watching someone skinnier than me prancing around in clothes I only wish I could fit in.. hearing about my friends being inpatient is a HUGE trigger for me.. because part of me wishes to go back to that 'safe place'.. but with all the rules and protocols (finish every morsel of rice and gravy etc).. I don't want to be controlled by food.. after all.. I'm okay now.. I eat my meals like a normal person.. I act like a normal person, there's no reason for me to get admitted.  

I really don't know what this blog is about.. just writing down my inner most thoughts.. I'm afraid to publish this in case it gets misunderstood by people.. I'm not bulimic anymore.. I'm not anorexic.. but I still get triggered which upsets me and makes me feel depressed.  

Most days I wish I was back at 104 pounds, my lowest weight (around 46kgs).. I was even lighter than when I was 13 years old!  Not because I was sick, but because I was skinny.. and I want to go back to that.. I was definitely more confident then.. being able to fit in size 0 clothes.. and being able to wear all I want.. what I loved most was that my bones were jutting out.

At least now I'm in a wayyyyyy better place.. exercising and living healthily.. with many prospects to look forward to, with the opening of 'Activate'.. the name of my new juice/food bar!  It actually appeared to me in my dream last night.. I took it as a good sign.

I must say.. things are looking up, and I hope in the NEAR future, I won't be so preoccupied with weight and body issues.. looking forward to that hot body that exercising will give me :)